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Dave

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Let me tell you motherfuckers somethin bout myself [Feb. 13th, 2008|06:26 pm]
Dave
My name's Buck and I like to fuckin FUCK. I watch power rangers and wack off yes its true. I also rain down pain upon niggers named Asscrack Fuckedy. My dad was once a Navy Seal but he got discharged for being gay. He also fucked a general's wife so he was pissed and tried to frag my dad but my dad got the better of him and fucked him too before popping off 9 desert eagle rounds into his bitch ass. My grandma is an ordained minister in the church of ass kicking and she taught me everything she knows. So basically that means you should never fuck with me unless you wanna get fucked with. I'm a master of the double flying knee. Ask anybody who has felt the pwnage of it and they'll tell you it's a force to be reckoned with. The same could be said about my dick and balls but that's another story for another time and another fuckin crime. Ya know what I'm sayin? Ya feel me? Ya dig? Well anyway back to the fuckin point. My point is I'm one bad mutha, who don't take shit from anyone. I'll christen your ass with a hot wax candle and brand you with a piece of metal shaped like a dick if you're not careful. I blast fools for the slightest shit, so don't step to this. I'm rock hard right now but that's another matter entirely. I have a massive finger that i'll shove into your fuckin eye if you touch me. AND I HOPE YOU SAVED ROOM FOR MY FIST BECAUSE I'M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH! When I work out I feel like I'm cumming. You know, like cumming like sex/fucking/ramming/touching/loving that kinda cumming, you know. So I work out and I feel like I'm cumming and then I relax and party and rock out and fuck and fuck again and it's fuckin awesome. That's why they call me Sir Fucks A Lot. My life is so fuckin awesome it's unbelievable. I rock out like 24/7 and party and fuck and rock out and eat and party again and then fuckin have unbelievable sex its fuckin amazing you should fuckin try it sometime you fuckin prudes.

Back to my fuckin story though. You know, the one about me being the ultimate goddamn motherfucking badass and me rocking this fuckin planet to its core. You know that story? That's the fuckin story I'm talkin about here so if you don't wanna hear about that story well you know what? You better fuckin leave right now and stop reading this shit before you get your ass kicked because that's the fuckin story that I'm tryin to tell here and if you don't like it I'll fuckin kick your ass plain and simple ok? That's how it fuckin works. I'm the badass, and you're the glass jawed motherfuckin pussy. You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Get it? Got it? Good. Well anyways, about that. I fuckin party harder than anyone you've ever fuckin met guaran-fuckin-teed bro. I swear to motherfuckin christ, and I will whoop your ass on his honor, that I am seriously the best beer drinking badass in this town. Get this - I fuckin counted how long it took me to chug a beer once, and I couldn't even count because it was like 2 milliseconds. That's just one small example of how fucking cool I am. If you don't believe it, fuckin watch me. Read em and weep is what I'll tell ya when I'm done because I know I'm serious as fuck about this shit and you're just a pretender and besides that, I'll lay the motherfuckin smackdown on your bitch ass any day of the goddamn week.

The next example of my awesomeness is just the fact that I'm such a fuckin dank ass nasty beast in bed. Not only am I the ultimate freak, but I fuck for hours on end without stopping. The only time I stop is to let the girl catch a breather while I switch it up into my next titillating position. I've mastered the art of tantric sex and I can go literally forever and I'm never fuckin satisfied and yet I'm completely and utterly satisfied at the same time. I have to switch girls because they get tired after the first 2 hours and frankly they just can't handle it. I'm a machine and I'm so good at it that girls can't even look at me without imagining the way i'll blast their pussies into oblivion with my gi-normous monstrosity of a dick. The last girl I fucked said she had 1,000 orgasms within minutes and that's nothin compared to the usual amount I give these hoes. Usually it's around 12,000/minute. They had to invent a new abbreviation just for me because I'm such a good fucker. Og/M orgasms/ minute bitches. And I know you're thinkin "yeah right?" But let me tell you somethin: Don't knock it until you've tried it bitches because I am 100% for real that I will ruin your life and have you fiendin for this shit constantly. That's really all I've got to say about that shit right now because actions speak louder than words and I'm fuckin right now so why the fuck would I wanna talk about fuckin WHILE I'm fuckin. Ya heard?

So let me talk about kicking ass and partying and rocking out and ruling the world and being the ultimate motherfuckin badass some more. I just can't say enough about this. There aren't enough words in the english language to describe how fuckin cool I am first of all. So I can't even properly begin to try and explain to you idiots. One time a group of about a thousand scholars ganged up together to share their thoughts and try and think of a word to describe how much of a badass I am. They thought and thought and thought for years to no avail. And then guess what happened. One day all their fuckin heads exploded because they realized the true degree of sheer awesomeness that permeates throughout my life and their puny little brains couldn't handle it.

In conclusion, your bitch ass needs to fuck off and go to hell and suck an egg and fuck yourself and suck your own dick and most of all, fork over the fat cash stacks into my dank ass face while I laugh at you for being such a pussy ass prick sucker.

P.S. Sit on a sprinkler and rotate or else suffer hellish wrath at the hands of my ultimate destruction and domination over your pussy ass life.

The end.
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(no subject) [Feb. 18th, 2007|08:33 pm]
Dave
Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side. You've failed, your highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
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Really Important Update On My Life!!!!!!!! [Feb. 6th, 2007|08:43 am]
Dave
One ring to rule them all. One ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!!!!

Mwuahahahahahaha
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Daddy Warbucks' Diary [Dec. 8th, 2006|04:32 am]
Dave
Alright so there's all this crazy shit floating through my mind all the time. Not literal crazy shit but just a lot of different thoughts... you know how it goes. And, a bunch of weird stuff occupies my time nowadays and most of it isn't enjoyable. But I find humor in the gayest shit so it's quite funny. I'm being vague because I can and I don't care because I know precisely what I'm talking about. So I don't know... I'm just gonna keep doin what I do. In other news I'll be getting a job tomorrow at some wild place and I won't tell anyone so when they see me there they'll laugh and be like "so THIS is where you work!" and it will be underwhelming and funny. Yeah so Shannon, Mike, other people: I've been writing this book entitled "The Book of Dummies" and it's finally nearing completion after years and years of hard work. It's the dankest book ever written no doubt. Oh yeah and I wrote this rhyme recently but it's just one line and I don't have anything else to go with it but it's funny. Imagine a rap song where I'm rapping and stuff and then I say this rap "you had the nerve to ask me if my weed was STANKY. bitch what do you expect from a kid named DANKY!" haaaaaaaaa oh man I crack myself up. I write one line.

Lastly, has anyone heard that they're making a Rocky 6????? Well it comes out on christmas and I'm extremely stoked about this shit. It's gonna be fuckin BADASS. Watch this trailer and love it. Hellllll yeah bitches it's on! hahahahaha
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Some Crazy Survey [Nov. 16th, 2006|07:49 am]
Dave
60 Odd Questions. Be truthful.

1.) Do you talk in your sleep? very rarely as far as I know

2.) Ocean or pool? the ocean

3.) What's your favorite song at the moment? John Anderson - Money In The Bank, The Beatles - I Should Have Known Better

4.) Do you have a crush? haha what's it to ya?

5.) What's your favorite color(s)? black, red, green, blue, pink (only on girl's clothing)

6.) Window seat or aisle seat? window always

7.) Ever met anyone famous? no :( i'm sad about it. but i'm a famous rapper so it's only a matter of time before i meet some of my fellow celebrities haha

8.) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? i feel like it's been a good ride so far but i've got a lot of things to do and see. im still a youngin in my prime

9.) Do you twirl or cut spaghetti? i do neither of those things. twirl if anything

10.) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? boring

11.) Are you looking forward to anything? oh yes

12.) How long do your showers last? too long... it feels too good to get out in 5 minutes. gotta wash twice also. good rule of thumb ;)

13.) Do you know how to drive a stick? Yeah but don't let me unless you're really wasted because my experience is minimal

15.) Are you self-conscious? everyone is but some cover it up better than others

16.) Have you ever given money to a bum? a vagrant? yeah i've been tricked by those ghouls. i gave one 2 bucks once


18). Where do you wish you were? cali. i'm goin back to cali, cali


19.) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? maybe when i was a babe


20.) Can you tango? it takes 2 to tango


21.) Last gift you received? my aunt gave me this tight security jacket like 3 days ago


22.) Last sport you played? football, basketball... good times

23.) Things you spend a lot of money on? probe-ation, "rehab"

24)Who's your best friend(s)? zac, mike, louie, shannon, alan, justin, john travolta

25) last wedding you attended? this girl michelle's like a week ago... my first wedding ever. twas different than i expected

26) favorite month? love em all.


27) Most hated food(s)? colligreens, those purple things, yams, broccoli


28) Can you sing? yeah i'm a singing god. dont make me sing rascal flatts - my wish, cause i will

29) last person that called you? shannon


30) What's your fav. chores? mowing the lawn haha

31. Favorite Drink? it depends. either coke, gatorade, water, or purple drank

32) Are you a vegetarian? nope, i try to eat enough meat to make up for the people that dont eat it.

33) Do you believe in Heaven? no

35) Have you ever come close to dying? yea one time a hot dog got lodged in my throat and my grandma gave me the heimlich manuever and saved my fuckin life. that was scary as fuck... i accepted death. and one time i almost choked to death on all this bread too but milk washed it down luckily. there have been other close calls too involving a motor vehicle but im too quick

36) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? my sister's ex bf was wearing my silver chain and she ripped it off his neck and thus, broke my only jewelry ever

37) Are you eating? no but your mom is i bet

38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? i dont eat broccoli

39) Do you wear makeup? no

40) Can you dance? i can and will bust a move on you just for saying that

41) Would you ever have plastic surgery? no

42) What do you wear to bed? a dick and balls, sometimes flanel pants

43) Have you ever done anything illegal? nope, never

44) Whats the last thing you threw at someone? a poisonous dart

45) What kind of sneakers? Converse

47) Future child's name? we'll see

50) Do you snore? nope

51) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? the top of mount everest. NOT iraq

52) who do you like at the moment? that's nunya

53) If you won the lottery, what would you do? laugh all the way to the bank, and buy all this badass shit... give people a benjamin on a whim

54) Gold or silver? platinum bling bling. i'll buy a gal a gold ring though

55) Hamburger or hot dog? hot dog without a bun


56) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? pizza.


57.) City, beach or country? they're all fun

58) What did you last touch? my phone

59) What did you eat last? turkey, fish, potato

60) When's the last time you cried? i dont recall
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I Got That Fire, I Got That Fire [Nov. 13th, 2006|06:15 pm]
Dave
Holla at a nigga if you want that oscar meyer!
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Buttsucker [Nov. 3rd, 2006|03:00 pm]
Dave
This kid's my favorite actor


Just kidding but that picture cracks me up. It's not even funny, but now you all have to see it every time you view your friends page muahahaha.

Thumbsucker was good... that kid stars as THE thumbsucker. I wanna watch Chumscrubber now. That kid is in that too. What a resume he has. People ask him what movies he's in and he's like "Thumbsucker and Chumscrubber." The craziest movies lol.

I wanna be a film critic. How did that fat bastard Roger Ebert get such a cool job? I would gladly write 10,000 words about any movie ever for some cash. Maybe nobody values my opinion, but why would they value his? Nobody does most of the time. He gave it a thumbs up? Ok. He gave it a thumbs down? Ok. Right? Right.

My hair has grown past my eyeballs now, but only if I pull on it. Soon it will be longer than original sin. I'm letting it grow out... we'll see how that works out. The benefits of long hair outweigh the benefits of short hair for me these days. It will be funny if nothing else.

I'm kinda sick right now. I suspect that someone blew their foul, sickly breath on me and did this to me. I wish I knew who it was so I could be like "what are ya doooon to me" Was it you, Jackie!!!!!!!!!!?

I wanna write more but you kids will be like "oop, too long, I'm not readin that"
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Sugar, Water, and Purple [Oct. 22nd, 2006|09:48 am]
Dave
Oh god biaaaa

I'm being doomed by some delayed hangover. I woke up at like 8 and felt fine so I started playing some Metroid Prime and then like an hour and a half later I was like ughh what the hell I feel all shitty now. That dirty natty ice has done it to me. It's about time I guess because I barely ever get hangovers. I think I was due for one. That's KARMA for ya. Just kidding f karma and that little fatty buddha.

Last night was pretty cool. So was the night before, and the night before that. I got wasted on all of those days. No more drugs forever though guys. I've taken the pledge to be edge. J/K but I do need a beer bong on the real.

Last night I said some crazy shit to Mike. He was all sober just chillin at the party and I was like "Is this crazy to you man?" and he was like "nah not really" and I was like "Oh, it is to me because I'm wiggin" and he was like "Yeah, it's just some kids drinking" and I was like "Well yeah but I'm partaking in it, and I'm all fucked up." Ok maybe it wasn't that funny but I thought it was because I said i'm partaking in it.

I was just thinking about the name Weezer and realized it's some crazy nonsense. Why would they be called weezer? Somebody needs to tell me this.

p.s.   send n00dz
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(no subject) [Oct. 18th, 2006|04:27 am]
Dave
I don't tell people about my problems because 90% don't care and the other 10% are glad I've got em.
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(no subject) [Oct. 1st, 2006|09:18 pm]
Dave
girls girls girls
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